The Perfectionist Problem

When I was a child, I loved to do projects for school. I remember working on science projects with papier-mâchê or baking and decorating cakes. I loved working with my hands and taking hours to make things come to life. However, I wouldn’t stop working on the project unless it was just the way I envisioned it. I would stay up sometimes until 3 in the morning to make sure the project was perfect.

I remember one time, I was in 3rd grade and I had to make a barn for a Social Studies project in me. The perfectionist in me would not let go until it was perfect. I remember keeping my parents up well past midnight to help me finish the project. To which my mother at one point had to tell me, “Wayne, you have to learn how to improvise. You may not have all the right parts, but you have to make do with what you have.” That was such a vivid memory for me because it was the first time I had to face the fact that I was a perfectionist. And if I wanted to be happy in life, I would have to deal with life’s imperfections as they come and make the best of it. 

Many times in life I had to confront this perfectionist trait in me. I would be afraid to turn in work or present a project unless it was perfect. While this trait can be helpful for presentation purposes, it can be debilitating if you do not learn how to balance it. Allow me to share a couple things I have learned on how to deal with the “perfectionist problem.”

It Is Good

I have learned to balance perfectionism by learning to value goodness. How does goodness balance perfection?

One day on a nature walk, I mused how nature is so beautiful, but not perfect. Trees, flowers, blades of grass are gorgeous, but they aren’t symmetrical or perfectly shaped. In the creation story in the book of Genesis, after each element of the universe was created, he concluded by saying “it is good”. When He made the sun, moon and stars, he said “it is good”. When He made seas to divide the land, He said “it is good”. When He made humankind, he changed it up a bit and said “it is very good”. But He never said it is perfect, he said it is good.

The scriptures even say that He — God — who has begun a good work in you shall perform that work until the day of Jesus Christ. The work that God is working on is good work, and we should not despise that good work just because it is not perfect. Why is it that God, who is the creator of the universe, decided to create good things and not perfect things? Maybe it is because he wants us to appreciate His perfection and not become dependent upon the material things of the earth. Perhaps it is because in our perfection we could become arrogant and think we do not need the Lord. Although I do not have great insight into it, I believe our major goal is to appreciate the goodness of life as it is and let God deal with that which is not good.

I think our need for perfection then turns into ungratefulness. We lose sight of what we have searching for what we do not have. We can’t even begin to despise what we have have because we don’t appreciate what we do have. We turn good relationships into bad in our heads because they are not perfect. Even while writing this, I had to pause and start to thank God for what I have.

While I will always strive to do better and be better, I have to admit that God has been so good to me and given me so much and I appreciate it! I do not know if I always appreciate it and Him enough and for that, I have to repent. But God in his goodness is faithful and I appreciate Him! I pause to praise God because “all things work together for good to them who love him and who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

Comparison

I once heard it said: “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good”. Many times, we get mad at our partners in a relationship because they are not doing everything we imagined a partner would do. Or we get mad at our parents because they weren’t the perfect Cliff and Claire Huxtable we grew up watching on TV. We fail to realize that even though they aren’t perfect, the relationship may still be good. We must be careful not to compare people in our lives to the “perfect” people we see on TV or imagine them to be. If we constantly compare them to ho we have in our heads, we never truly appreciate who they are and the joy and happiness they can bring to our lives.

We must be careful not to compare our marriage or our jobs with our friends’ situations. Maybe your husband doesn’t take you out to dinner and wine and dine you like your best friend and their husband, but what are their good qualities? What does your husband do for you that makes him special? Look realistically at a person and if they are good and trying, why not be still and see if, in fact, God is trying to change you and not them.

Comparison is dangerous because God has made each of us a designer’s original. He knows us so well that the very numbers of hairs on our heads are known by Him (Luke 12:7). So with that originality, we must appreciate each of the things that make our friends, our spouses, or even ourselves unique. Value what it is that makes your spouse unique and soon you’ll start to see them as God sees them: a unique individual that He has designed.

The 80 / 20 Rule

You may have heard of the 80/20 rule, or: don’t give up something that is 80% of what you have to get the other 20% that you do not have. Perhaps you have a good job that allows you flexibility and time off so you can go on vacation with your family. But the job isn’t prestigious or doesn’t pay all that well. Then a job comes along that is high profile and would increase your salary significantly. However, the job will require you to work many more hours and you won’t have the flexibility you once had.

Yes, this new position now allows you to take your family on vacation more often, but you will not be able to leave work early to take your son to little league practice. Or, now you are so tired when you get home that you do not have the energy to play with your daughter before it’s her bedtime. You got that 20% you were missing, but you lost the 80% you already had.

When you compare your life to others, we tend to get shortsighted. It’s true what they say – the grass is greener on the other side, but the water bill will be much higher! Don’t give up what you have in search of what you want.

Final Thought

Life is not perfect; it will be full of ups, downs, imperfections and contradictions. But it is also full of beauty, joy and adventures. And just because your adventure doesn’t start precisely when you thought it would, it doesn’t mean that the adventure can’t be just as great as you imagined. Perhaps all you need to do is reimagine if the way it was intended to be: good.